Day 6:
I cycle through every meditation posture I can think of. I have amassed a pillow fort of props and cushions, desperate to help myself make it through each session. I fear I am doing permanent damage to my knees. The physical challenge heralded by my first practice was worse than I had feared. And my mind…
…My mind is a neglected litterbox, full of cat-shit thoughts and cat-piss memories. I am not calm. I am not centered. I am not receiving insights. I have opened up strange, hidden doorways in my unconscious and am being flooded with horrific, disturbing, profoundly violent imagery. I do not understand why this is arising and where it is coming from. I cycle through every mistake I’ve ever made and many I haven’t. I am disoriented and awash in guilt, shame, and fear.
Buddhist texts say our True Self is luminous spaciousness, and endless field of bright loving-awareness. Not me, apparently. My True Self appears to be the litterbox. Cat shit is my essence.
If I had my car keys, I would leave, but they’re locked in some hippie’s bead-festooned box at the entrance. My body shakes and trembles through each session. This is not helping. This cannot be a good thing.
Why am I doing this?
When Meditation Might Not Be Right for You
This is perhaps the most important part of this series, and the one most elided in popular discussions of meditation, especially from commercialized businesses selling meditation. Despite its many benefits, meditation is not universally helpful and can sometimes be harmful.
Mental Health Contraindications
Research has identified several conditions where meditation should be approached with caution or avoided entirely:
Major Depressive Disorder: For some people with depression, the inward focus of meditation can increase rumination and worsen symptoms. The quiet space can become filled with self-critical thoughts rather than peaceful awareness. Melancholy monks are often assigned “chop wood, carry water” duty at the monastery. Activity and service are often better medicine for depression than introspection and isolation.
- Psychosis and Schizophrenia: Meditation can sometimes trigger or worsen psychotic symptoms.¹ ² The altered states of consciousness that meditation can produce may be destabilizing for people with these conditions.
- Bipolar Disorder: During manic or hypomanic episodes, the intensity of meditation practice can exacerbate symptoms. Even during stable periods, some people with bipolar disorder find meditation triggers mood episodes.
- Trauma Survivors: Traditional meditation often involves sitting still with eyes closed, which can feel unsafe for trauma survivors. If you’re simply flooded with trauma memories and underwater the whole time, that’s not really helping. The increased bodily awareness can sometimes trigger traumatic memories or sensations.
- Severe Anxiety: While meditation can help with anxiety, for some people the initial practice of sitting with their thoughts and feelings can increase anxiety levels before they improve. This is especially true for folks who’ve had panic attacks because focusing on their breath can actually trigger panic.
Practical Considerations
- Time and Lifestyle: Meaningful meditation practice requires time and consistency. If you’re already struggling to meet basic life demands, adding meditation practice might create more stress rather than reducing it. And for the vast majority of people, it’s a slow burn like exercise or eating well. The benefits are there, but they show up after a period of investment.
- Personality Factors: Some people are naturally more suited to introspective practices than others. If you’re highly extroverted and gain energy from external stimulation, sitting quietly might feel draining rather than energizing. By way of example, say you’re someone who’s overly structured and tight, that will show up in your practice. Without guidance, you can just spin and spin, reinforcing your own rigidity.
- Cultural Fit: If meditation feels fundamentally incompatible with your worldview or cultural background, forcing it might create internal conflict rather than peace. In fact, I attended a talk with the Dalai Lama once and someone asked, as a Christian, should they become a Buddhist. He said, no, probably not. If you’ve spent your whole life in a relationship with Jesus and God, it’ll probably cause more harm than good.
- Spiritual Bypassing: Some people use meditation to avoid dealing with practical problems or difficult emotions rather than addressing them directly. This “spiritual bypassing” can actually impede psychological growth, not to mention make you insufferable. “Oh, I meditate so I don’t get angry. How sad for you that you still feel that low-vibration emotion.” Blech, hard eye-roll.
Dosing Considerations
I used to think that if a little meditation was good, a lot of meditation would be better. Not only that, but I assumed that a little meditation was the same as a lot of meditation, it was just more the same thing.
With all due respect and kindness and self-compassion to my previous self, that was dumb as hell.
Hiking and mountain climbing are both nature hobbies. They both get you outside, experiencing nature, eating trailmix, and acquiring Patagonia crap. But hiking and mountain climbing are not the same, and no amount of hiking is like mountain climbing.
I think this is the same for meditation. A little meditation, 20 minutes a day, is a hike. It’s generally calming, chill. A meditation retreat is a mountain climb. Way more intense and way more potential for achieving a spectacular view. But much more dangerous.
You need to consider the dose when you’re looking at meditation and if you’re going to go mountain climbing you absolutely should make sure you’ve got the requisite safety equipment and community.
Signs to Stop or Modify Practice
If you experience any of the following during meditation practice, consider modifying your approach or stopping entirely. If you’re serious about meditation and don’t want to stop because these things are coming up, seek out a teacher and/or a therapist familiar with meditation.
- Increased anxiety or panic attacks
- Disturbing visions or hallucinations
- Feeling disconnected from reality
- Increased depression or suicidal thoughts
- Physical symptoms like dizziness or nausea that persist
- Increased agitation or irritability
- Sleep disturbances
Recent research has documented that adverse effects from meditation are more common than previously thought. A 2022 study found that over 10% of regular meditators experienced adverse effects that significantly impacted their daily life for at least one month.³ A systematic review of over 40 years of research showed that anxiety and depression are the most common adverse effects, and that these can occur even in people without previous mental health problems.⁴
For a fantastic, thorough and balanced take on this whole thing I cannot recommend the Tim Ferris episode with Dr. Willoughby Britton enough.
Next week: So Should You Actually Be Meditating?
References – Post 5
- Kuijpers, H. J., van der Heijden, F. M., Tuinier, S., & Verhoeven, W. M. (2007). Meditation-induced psychosis. Psychopathology, 40(6), 461-464.
- Sharma, P., Mahapatra, A., & Gupta, R. (2019). Meditation-induced psychosis: A narrative review and individual patient data analysis. Irish Journal of Psychological Medicine, 38(4), 296-303.
- Farias, M., Maraldi, E., Wallenkampf, K. C., & Lucchetti, G. (2020). Adverse events in meditation practices and meditation-based therapies: A systematic review. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, 142(5), 374-393.
Britton, W. B., Lindahl, J. R., Cooper, D. J., Canby, N. K., & Palitsky, R. (2021). Defining and measuring meditation-related adverse effects in mindfulness-based programs. Clinical Psychological Science, 9(6), 1185-1204.
